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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:39:17 GMT -6
So uh. Yes. I am the Cloud who wrote the Diaries, whooo, big reveal. *confetti*
But I now look back and realize a lot of the earlier ones weren't that great. I may edit them when I have the time. In any case, here they are, chapter by chapter. I'm also putting up a new one, and I will finally be finishing them.
Chapter 1:
Because half the time she reminds me of a teenage girl.
Anyway. Me doing journals of Bluestar's Prophecy. Oooo.
I’m just going to skip not do my usual format for this chapter, because if I put in every single line in it that has something wrong with it, I’ll be here for days.
Anyway. So, there was a prologue, which is basically the end of A Dangerous Path, dog pack, Bluestar dies, etc. It's all from her point of view. Then we go back to her being born, which will make anyone with knowledge of cats cringe. Beware, faint of heart. Abandon all hope of intelligence in the Erins ye who enter here.
So, apparently the Erins think that cats’ eyes can open ON THE DAY THEY’RE BORN. Any fool who googles it knows that kittens’ eyes open when they’re 9 to 14 days old. So it can take up to TWO WEEKS for them to open, and they DO NOT open before that. It would be highly unnatural if they did. Or are warrior cats Just That Special?
My second big issue is that Bluekit (Bluestar) already freaking knows what a lot of words mean and thinks with the literacy of at least an eight year old kid. SHE’S A DAY OLD, PEOPLE. A DAY. Day old kittens cannot hear, and cannot do so until they’re around three weeks old.
Bluekit shouldn’t even be knowing what the flip cats around her are saying, let alone thinking in words. She must be a supergenius, though even if she were it would still be far-fetched.
Oh, and Snowkit, her sister? Is talking already. In full sentences. Go figure.
Bluekit opens her eyes the next day. Whee.
And also, Snowkit is white except for her gray ear tips. Hmmm…
And she’s annoyed at being shown around. She should be grateful anyone’s taking their time to give her a tour.
She also knows a bunch of stuff I wouldn’t think she’d learn all in one day or so of her life.
And the elders in the Clan? Hunt for themselves. While they might have been made elders recently, one would think that at that age they couldn’t really hunt sufficiently enough to feed themselves.
But that’s just logic.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:43:19 GMT -6
Mmkay. So. Snowkit and Bluekit and Moonflower (their fail-name mother who is apparently incredibly special to be named after something that important) are all sitting around. Why? Stormtail (the sue sisters’ father) is coming to see them.
I like Stormtail a little bit, actually. We don’t see much of him, but he’s strict, and like a normal cat dad he doesn’t spend oodles of time with his children and concentrates on warrior duties. It’s not much, but hey, I like him more than his mutant kids right now.
“The gorse barrier swished”
…and then I get an image of one of those long bead curtains that swish, except it’s made of gorse. Barriers are not supposed to swish; they’re supposed to stand still and be impenetrable, for heaven’s sake. Swishing spiny plants sounds stupid.
Filler, filler, waiting for Stormtail…ah, here he is. Bearing a squirrel, we see.
““They both have blue eyes like you.””
Says Moonflower the idiot who should know that blue is not often a cat’s permanent eye color.
“She wanted Stormtail to look at her again.”
It’s okay, Bluekit, I’m sure he’ll look at you like that when you’re older, because as we all know, this kind of thing happens in the future of ThunderClan.
“..hollow with disappointment.”
Due to the fact that the surgery had not gone as planned, Bluekit’s organs were not all returned to the correct places. She was quite disappointed.
“Mumblefoot”
No. Seriously. That’s this elder’s name. Apparently it’s because he’s ‘slightly clumsy.’
Does he talk in his sleep, I wonder? Or is naturally a mumbler? Was he like this when he was born? I didn’t know mumbles looked like anything.
Perhaps he is a mutant and talks from his feet.
““Smallear is recovering from an adder bite,””
Hold on a minute. In Sunrise, Leafpool said adder bites could not be cured and thus Honeyfern died without Leafsue trying to cure her. So…did they have more potent and/or different herbs back in the forest, or is Leafsue just that twisted and evil? I’m pessimistic enough to think it’s the latter.
Oh yeah, Moonflower’s brother came by after Stormtail left. He’s the medicine cat and his name is Goosefeather. He's dumb enough to leave two kits alone in a den full of herbs. Go figure.
Naturally, they both dare each other to eat one. Snowkit eats two poppy seeds and Bluekit chews on dock but spits it out. Then Moonflower comes storming in and is all “RAWR” at them. She takes them back to the nursery.
“I’ll never let her go into Goosefeather’s den again!”
…even if she were injured or dying, Bluekit? Incredible thinking skills there. No, being a kit does not excuse you as you are clearly a supergenius, if a bratty one.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:47:14 GMT -6
“Pinestar’s call woke Bluekit. She scrambles to her paws, excited. A Clan meeting!”
And as most of us know, a Clan meeting has the phrase “all cats old enough to catch their own prey in it”. I don’t think she’s old enough to catch her own prey, way ahead of her developmental schedule though she is. So the question is, is she that dumb or is she that arrogant?
Moonflower proceeds to let her kits go to the meeting. Of course. Who could deny Bluekit the Uber Speshul One? /sarcasm
“The early morning sun filtered softly…”
Can it filter in a hard way?
Bluekit does actually ask if they can be there, to her credit, though I’m wondering why she didn’t just stay in her nest. Moonflower says as long they’re quiet they can. So breaking the rules is okay as long as you don’t draw attention to yourself, is what we are shown here. MORALS, WE HAS THEM.
All Pinestar says in regards to this is that they’re a little young for a Clan meeting, (a little? THEY’RE FLIPPING THREE DAYS OLD) but he’s glad they’re here to see a ceremony they will one day experience.
What a great leader. Totally upholds the traditions. -_-
Oh, and Mumblefoot’s “fine hunting skills” are mentioned. Clumsy cats (which he supposedly is) do not have fine hunting skills, methinks.
Continuity? What continuity?
And thus the chapter ends with Patchkit and Leopardkit becoming apprentices. Whoo.
And it’s a little less than five moons later. Bluekit wakes up in the nursery, and we get an infodump on what’s happening in it.
Poppydawn (she whose name fails badly) has had three kits: Sweetkit, Rosekit, and Thistlekit (no relation to Thistle).
There’s something very wrong with this text. Namely the fact that the Erins wrote it but other things, too.
“Sweetkit, who was white with tortoiseshell patches, was named after Pinestar’s mother, Sweetbriar.”
The failness, it hurts.
Why in heaven’s name would you name a kit “Sweet”? They can’t look sweet. (Well, not in the tasting sense.) Did Sweetbriar come in assorted flavors like cherry and lemon?
And briar as a suffix is just no. Briar should be the cat’s prefix, not her suffix, assuming the cat was brown.
Rosekit is also fail. ‘Nuff said. Thistlekit is gray and white, but I don’t know exactly what thistles look like, so I can’t really pass judgment on him. Yet.
“The predawn sky stretched overhead, soft and gray as a dove’s wing. She recognized the scents of Sparrowpelt, Windflight, and Adderfang, still fresh in the air. They must have left on the dawn patrol.”
Wait…first it says it’s before dawn. Then it says the dawn patrol just left. What? As for Windflight, apparently he is transparent and of a flighty nature. =D
““I’ll take you, if you’d like,” the ThunderClan deputy offered.”
Bluekit was staring out into the forest wanting to go out, and she’s so special that Sunfall, (BOOM! And the sun crashed, incinerating the earth) like an idiot, offers to take her.
Without telling her mother where she is, knowing she’s less than six moons old. Gee. Oh, and anything could attack them.
And they go out there with lots of description.
Then Sunfall proves his idiocy beyond doubt when he jumps on a boulder and tells Bluekit to try it, too.
A kit. Jumping on a (and I quote the book here) “massive” boulder. And she could fall and get hurt. Cloud’s hoping that he just really hates Bluekit and isn’t like this normally.
Oh, and then he tells her to CLIMB an even bigger boulder.
And she proceeds to climb it, and “was level with the treetops surrounding the camp.”
I think that speaks for itself.
We get a “suddenly”, too.
They meet the dawn patrol, who say WindClan stole prey, and they all head back to camp. Oh, and Speckletail also had kits: Lionkit and Goldenkit. Forgot to say that earlier. Take two guesses as to who they are.
If you said soccer mom and Brambleclaw's mother, you would be right.
“yellow eyes burning in the predawn light”
Poor Sparrowpelt’s sizzling eyeballs. Annnnd it’s still before dawn. Though the dawn patrol has left. And patrolled. I really have nothing to say to that.
“Weedwhisker”
Weed is too vague to be a prefix. How would they know what weeds are, anyway? They don’t cultivate any particular type of plant, and unless I’m mistaken a weed is any type of plant that isn’t where it belongs.
“Larksong”
Cloud is mystified as to how a cat can look like or use their song, or have a song-y personality.
““You know you’re not supposed to leave the camp!””
Ah yes, assorted BlunderClan warriors and Bluekit got back to camp. Moonflower promptly appears and demands to know where Bluekit has been, stating this. I’m thinking Sunfall, as an experienced warrior, would know that kits aren’t supposed to leave camp. Maybe the Erins had him do this so he would look kind and sympathetic, but he comes across as irresponsible. Why should he break the rules for Bluekit, anyway? I guess she’s Just That Special.
“eyes round with worry”
The Erins have used this phrase a few times now, and the meaning is kind of lost in it. Cats’ eyes are already fairly round, so…they get perfectly circular when the cats are anxious? –snorts-
“fur ripple along her father’s spine”
Due to the fact that the moon’s usual rotation was out of whack, Stormtail’s spine fur’s tide patterns became random and unpredictable.
“Pinestar was beckoning them forward with his tail.”
Because butt-facing your Clan at a meeting is just such a good idea.
Oh, and Bluekit and Snowkit are now apprentices. Whoo.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:48:10 GMT -6
“…Bluepaw looked around the clearing, feeling as tall as Highrock.”
Ahaha she’s a Na’vi.
“Coldness crept under her pelt.”
A sneaky sucker it is.
““If you’re apprentices, I don’t see why I can’t be. I’m almost as big as you.”
There’s this thing called maturity that you lack in astounding amounts.
“Bluepaw felt a prickle of jealousy as Snowpaw caught up. She wanted the forest to herself.”
Brat.
And she and Snow and their mentors go out into the forest. Bluepaw is being all bratty about how Snowpaw is the first out there and how she’s resentful at being made to gather moss. Well, you little brat, how about Stonepelt makes you do advanced battle training and then you get killed injured because you’re totally inexperienced? Wouldn’t you like that as much as Cloudie would?
Then they get back and go to the elders’ den, and Mumblefoot (who shall henceforth be known as Muttering Toes) asks Bluepaw how it feels being an apprentice.
““Great!” she lied. At least it would be if I were hunting instead of collecting bedding. She pushed the thought away. This is important too, she reminded herself, still not entirely convinced.”
Bratpaw. That’s her new name.
“Stonepelt was already rootling”
Is rootling even a word?
“He didn’t even say thank you!”
I bet you wouldn’t have either.
“How ungrateful!”
Why Bratpaw, you've found a twin.
“Cheerfully Bluepaw took a bite of the thrush. The foresty flavor sang on her tongue”
Being descriptive is fine and all, but this just doesn’t make sense. Also, someone please explain to me what the adjective "foresty" means. Spell check denies that it is a word.
“She felt dizzy with happiness. She couldn’t wait till Snowpaw returned so she could tell her sister how much she’d learned. Being a ThunderClan apprentice was the best feeling in the world.”
Wait, what? Just a minute ago she was moaning about having to get moss and how ungrateful the elders were and how she wanted to be hunting. Random mood swing much?
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:50:01 GMT -6
“I’m going hunting!”
May you fail miserably, Bratpaw.
“Where was Stonepelt?”
Hiding from the bad writing.
Blah, she and Snowpaw’s mentors show up, they go hunting. They head through the forest, get to the Great Sycamore, Stonepelt (Bratpaw’s mentor) and Sparrowpelt (Snow’s mentor) give them hunting advice.
“the fur rippled along her spine.”
That’s it. I will now call all Hunter cats’ spine fur water because this is getting even more ridiculous. Spine fur bristles, stands up, or bushes out. It does not ripple. And it is most certainly not spiked.
They finish hunting practice after a while, and head for home. Guess what happens then?
For those of you who said Bratpaw catches something, you would be right. It’s a squirrel as big as she is. -_-
It gets better.
““I don’t remember any other apprentice catching prey on their first try.””
Would I be right in thinking that added with everything considering Bratpaw’s birth and development, AND this, that it just screams Sue a mile wide in neon red letters?
“A light breeze made the gorse barrier whisper in the moonlight, and the rising stars turned the dens silver.”
And the gorse said, “Let there be random color-changing.”
Anyway, it’s night now, and Bratpaw has been selected to go the Gathering. What a big surprise.
“Was she supposed to do something?”
OHNOEZ, action may be called for! Get over yourself. It’s a Gathering, you idiot.
Moonflower tells her how to behave at a Gathering, blah blah. Snoring is permitted.
Chapter ends with them departing for the Gathering.
The plot is hiding itself well. So are the interesting characters.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:51:07 GMT -6
"Snowpaw danced around Bluepaw”
You put your left paw in, you put your left paw out, you put your right paw in, you put your right paw out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, that’s what it’s all about!
“I might still be a kit if Pinestar hadn’t suddenly decided to make us apprentices.””
What? So, what she’s saying is that any time late in their fifth moon kits can be made apprentices, instead of right on the dot of their sixth moon? Methinks I smell some inconsistency…
So anyway, she’s back from the Gathering which was confusing and frightening and she hardly caught what was going on. Which is actually reasonable considering her age and experience, or rather the lack of it.
“like a nagging voice she couldn’t quite hear”
I would bet it’s mine. /sarcasm flag
““Everything seems to be happening so fast”
Nothin’s gonna change my world~
“and she shouldn’t be complaining”
GASP! Is there yet hope?!
“Bluepaw felt torn.”
You poor, poor thing. –plays the tiny violin-
“The small, mottled tabby”
Wait, what? We were told Sweetkit (who shall henceforth be known as Candy Cat) was a tortoiseshell.
“opened her mouth, her eyes wide with complaint, but Poppydawn silenced her.”
This is the rest of the sentence from “The small, mottled tabby” and it makes no sense. It doesn’t say that Candy Cat actually said anything, yet she was silenced? I’m confused.
“whisking Lionkit and Goldenkit out of the nest with her tail.”
It’s not a paw, it’s a tail. You are not a monkey, Speckletail.
““No,” Poppydawn meowed firmly. “True warriors don’t hide from the weather.””
They’re KITS, you moron. And you want to send them out in the cold and wind when they don’t want to go? What a good mother you are.
“her pale pelt tinged rose even in the silver moonlight”
Heatherstar of WindClan, the “pinkish gray” genetic freak of a cat.
““Destruction for us all!””
Goosefeather found a “sign” in a vole that Snowpaw just caught. The next chapter is one of my favorites.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:54:06 GMT -6
““What’s happening?””
A lack of anything relevant.
Goosefeather reads a “sign” in the vole’s fur that apparently says that WindClan is going to crush ThunderClan in battle.
His reasoning is that the way the vole's fur is parted represents a forest crushed by wind.
I think somebody's been eating some very special plants.
So, cats debate about whether they should attack WindClan or not, if Goosefeather is right, bla bla bla. Then comes the really classic line of: ““If we can’t trust StarClan, then we are lost,” Dappletail muttered.””
No, if you realize you can’t trust StarClan you’re a lost cause.
““All must fight when we face this much danger!””
Especially the kits and new apprentices, yup yup.
“a sudden, painful understanding”
…of their haunting mortality. –waggles fingers-
“How could Pinestar refuse?”
He ALREADY has an all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas, so of course he can refuse the trip to the five-star spa.
-cough-She’s wondering if Pinestar could refuse to fight WindClan. Frankly I think any leader with a half a brain could refuse instead of giving in to his blood-hungry warriors pressuring him. But no, Pinestar says they’ll attack at dawn. (why do they always attack at dawn?)
Peer pressure ftw.
“Featherwhisker brushed his tail along her spine.”
Super tails! Super tails! The body parts that really fail!
““You were born a warrior”
He must know of her genetic freakiness.
“mouse, newly caught and still soft and fragrant.”
Fragrant how? Of blood?
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 29, 2012 20:55:27 GMT -6
Bluepaw wakes up in the apprentices’ den with a jolt, thinking:
“The battle!”
No, really?
“She jumped to her paws”
This is confusing. While it does in a way make sense, like “jump to your feet”, it’s a little off because she’s already ON her paws, even if she’s sleeping. Hrm.
“fern walls rippled”
-hums “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid-
“angry air”
So everything they breathe in is malevolent?
“threatening as crows”
How are prey animals threatening?
“The fur along Adderfang’s spine stood up sharp as thorns.”
That’s just funny. Oo, I’m scared, my fur is pointy.
And then Goosefeather (who I’m convinced is either an idiot or homicidal) says that they can fight WindClan’s aggression (aggression against what?) by going to their camp and destroying their medicine supply. And of course this is labeled as that ever-so-handy stuff, “guidance from StarClan”. I label it as the medicine cat having a few screws loose or being a secret mass murder wannabe.
WindClan has not attacked them, has not stolen their prey. Has not even farted on their side of the border, to my knowledge. So what is this nonsense?
Then various warriors get mad at him and their protest can basically be summed up by: “Hey, that’s wrong, we don’t damage kids and old people. We’d be bad for doing that.”
Blasphemy, BlunderClan. Now go be good little minions.
Goosefeather retaliates by saying it’s StarClan’s advice, not mine and well we would be alive even if they aren’t. Pinestar loses any respect I might’ve had for him by saying we must do it or we’ll all die. (Of what? Their collective brain power being less than is needed to power a light bulb?)
Goosefeather’s apprentice, (Featherwhisker) argues by saying well what if WindClan gets sick and dies? Adderfang says well we’ll be alive so who cares? Pinestar agrees with him, of course. -_-
Everyone else then proceeds to chat a bit longer before going on a pointless rampage to battle WindClan.
“suddenly flashed her amber gaze”
That gaze needs a jacket and pants. And of course there’s the Erins’ favorite word. In fact, let me interrupt this journal to quote from another book I own:
“She paused. “I’ve explained before,” she said, “about the word suddenly. It makes things exciting. Sometimes, class, if you’re creating a story and you get stuck, just say the word suddenly and you won’t have any trouble continuing at all.””
You cannot deny that they have read Gooney Bird Greene.
Cannot. Deny.
“her eyes blazed”
While I’m not an observant person and never noticed eyes blazing, and description is a fine thing, I’m getting tired of all the eye description. I mean come on, how much time do actual cats people spend describing eyes?
“Stormtail padded over and flicked Bluepaw’s ear with his tail tip.”
Butt-facing is rude, Stormtail. Especially to your daughter.
“flashed him a sharp look”
Moonflower never bothers to clothe her eye directions, does she?
“Bluepaw’s belly turned cold.”
Brain…um…stomach freeze!
“Pinestar yowled until his voice echoed off the trees”
Pinestar used Echoed Voice! It’s super effective!
“tumble of stone”
What.
“in the predawn light”
It was dawn when they woke up. After the cozy discussion time and chatting, it should be way after dawn. INCONSISTENCY, THEY HAS IT.
Bla bla, some warriors go to WindClan’s camp, a few others (Bratpaw included) stay behind next to a boulder in case they’re needed, along with Featherwhisker. At the end of the chapter, Robinwing comes running saying that Leopardpaw is wounded.
Why the injuries of one apprentice warrant an alert, I’m not sure. No other battles I’ve seen had on-site medics. Perhaps strategy was different back then, which come to think of it would make sense. Point for the Erins.
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Post by Grey on Sept 30, 2012 6:19:19 GMT -6
This is as brilliant as ever, Cloud. I hope you don't mind a little interruption, though. I have a question.
How? I guess it's the prefix you disagree with? I'm afraid to say I can't remember much else about the character.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 30, 2012 7:50:15 GMT -6
Pfff thank you >w<
I don't mind it at all. I'm not perfect, and I enjoy hearing what other people have to say.
And yes, prefix. As Ten says, one tends to think of roses as pink or bright red. Not exactly a cat color.
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Post by Grey on Sept 30, 2012 8:02:11 GMT -6
Oh, I see. You're talking of domesticated roses, though, aren't you? You know, the garden sort. I can understand how someone would jump to that conclusion but why would feral cats be in someone's garden anyway? They avoid human habitation.
That's why I don't think rose- should indicate a domesticated variety of rose (especially considering there are hundreds of varieties and many different colours). Considering the first series of Warriors was meant to be set in England, it makes sense for rose- to imply a wild rose (alternatively called the dog rose). They grow wild in England and have white or pale pink flowers with yellow centres.
Regardless of whether or not you believe pink flowers can indicate a light ginger cat, you still have a viable white-pelted option instead. It's just a thought. I wouldn't like to cross off a potential prefix because "one tends to think of roses as pink or bright red".
I'm more about what the cats would think of it as, rather than what people's connotations would be.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 30, 2012 8:21:23 GMT -6
Aha, that makes sense. I did know roses could be different colors, but I didn't know about that wild English variety, so it makes more sense now. And I agree about the cats' connotations instead of people's. Thank you, Grey.
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Post by Grey on Sept 30, 2012 9:23:32 GMT -6
It's no trouble. I am just big into plants like that and I wanted to see what your take was on it.
PS: sorry again for interrupting.
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Post by cloudbat on Sept 30, 2012 10:47:56 GMT -6
Stop apologizing, silly goose. The Diaries were made to be discussed like anything else; I am not infallible and there are many things I don't know. Feel free to disagree with or correct my interpretations of things, I'm seriously grateful you're commenting at all.
Also, plants are awesome.
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Post by Grey on Sept 30, 2012 10:51:52 GMT -6
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