Bluestar's Prophecy v2

[Cobalt]

So you may have heard that I'm reading Bluestar's Prophecy. Why? I found The Bluestar Diaries. And they were awesome. On that particular day I also felt like writing, but had nothing to write about. So I went and got the book from the library and started looking through the first couple chapters.

Long story short, I am essentially rewriting Bluestar's Prophecy, and I thought this would be a great place to ask for critique and ideas on how exactly to change it. Heck, this could even become some sort of site project. The point is, this seems like the right place to put it. 

So, let's get started. Skipping the prologue because it wasn't all that bad and I really wanted to get to writing the kittens because I love writing kittens. For now I just have the first bit of Chapter 1.

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Problems and annoyances to fix: Bluekit and Snowkit opened their eyes far too early, not to mention they could hear, talk, and walk at only one day old! Oh, and Swiftbreeze's kits were somehow even more miraculous than that. Also, Moonflower's name is off even according to the Erins themselves.

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"Shouldn't she have opened her eyes by now?"
 
The words meant nothing to the kit they spoke about, for she was still too young to hear. Indeed, she was too young to comprehend anything more than the soft warmth of her mother and the milky scent of the nursery. She simply nuzzled against the furry belly that had nourished her all of her short life alongside another she-kit, her sister.

"Hush, Swiftbreeze. She's hardly nine days old. She'll open them when she's ready."

The kit squeaked in suprise when she felt the vibrations of her mother's response to Swiftbreeze, but settled at the comforting rasp of her mother's tongue on her flank.

"Snowkit opened hers this morning," Swiftbreeze insisted. "Not to mention mine had theirs open at barely eight days old." The queen's tail stirred her bedding as she drew herself up proudly. "Natural warriors, I tell you."

A soft, gently teasing mew sounded from across the nursery. "Oh Swiftbreeze, we all know that no kit could compete with yours," Poppydawn purred.

A tiny paw prodded the she-kit's back, making her mewl in annoyance. Her sister, Snowkit, responded with an insistent squeak. Come on, she seemed to say. If I can open my eyes, you can too. But the kitten's eyes remained closed as she curled against their mother, intent on having a good nap.

"Don't worry dear," chided Mintflower, parent of the two she-kits. "Bluekit will open her eyes in her own time."

Bluekit pawed happily at Mintflower's side, then stilled as her breathing fell into a slower rhythm, letting sleep consume her.



Bluekit woke to the weight of her sister on top of her and her mother's milky warmth surrounding her. Both took slow, steady breaths as they slept on, unaware of the tiny kit wriggling out from under them. She managed to get beside Snowkit, close against Mintflower's back, and lay herself contentedly back down in the warm moss. A light newleaf breeze entered the nursery, bringing fresh scents of the forest in and ruffling the soft kitten fur that covered Bluekit from nose to tail-tip. The little she-kit opened her mouth with a tiny squeak and lifted her head as high as she could manage, letting the curious new smells rest on her tongue. And just like that, without her even meaning to, Bluekit opened her eyes, blinking rapidly against the first light she had ever seen.

Her new vision didn't tell her much by most cats' standards, but to the kitten it was as if her whole world had been revealed. She could see the whiteness of her sister's fur, and the lush green moss she lay upon, and how very, very small she and Snowkit were. The nursery had seemed so close and cozy and comforting just a moment before, but now she could make out the arched bramble ceiling and how far away it seemed. Not to mention how enormous the other queens were. Could Bluekit really ever be that big? Filled with an unquenchable curiosity, the she-kit lifted her head high to observe the den properly.

One queen - Poppydawn - lay close to a wall, red tabby pelt bright against the moss and bracken of her nest. She smelled like the breeze from outside rather than milk and moss like Swiftbreeze and Mintflower, and she didn't have any kits, or even kit-scent. Swiftbreeze lay in a nest right next to that of Poppydawn, curled into a tight ball with her dark tabby pelt shining in the rays of light that came through the bramble roof. Her kits, Leopardkit and Patchkit, were nowhere to be seen, but their scents lingered in their mother's nest. Mintflower towered next to Bluekit, but she could see that her pelt was sleek and silvery-gray, with beautiful dark stripes. Filled with wonder, Bluekit curled and contorted until she could get a good look at her own pelt. It was very fluffy, and a dark bluish-grey all over.

Bluekit now wriggled back to face her sister excitedly, and batted at her with clumsy paws. Snowkit woke and immediately mewled in protest, but Bluekit wormed her way on top of her so that her open eyes were clearly visible. Snowkit squeaked as the sudden weight pressed on her, and again, though more happily, when she saw that her sister's eyes were open. Now Bluekit could see that her sister's eyes were a pretty dark blue, deep and calming. With another chirp, she lost her balance and the sisters' noses rammed together as they tumbled into Mintflower, squealing. 

Naturally, Mintflower woke up immediately, and the commotion was beginning to wake Swiftbreeze and Poppydawn. "Hush, now. Calm down, little ones," Mintflower meowed briskly to her kittens as she gently pulled them apart and helped them right themselves. Both sisters blinked and gazed up at their mother with wide eyes. Mintflower's voice softened at the sight of Bluekit's open eyes, and she bent down and gave her daughter an affectionate lick. "I knew you would," she murmured with happiness and pride apparent, and then turned and gave Snowkit a lick for good measure. Then Bluekit registered her hunger, as did her littermate, and the kittens began to mewl until Mintflower let them crawl to her belly to feed.

[vbfdoee]

Excellent idea. Really, all it takes is a modicum of research to learn about kittens' development. Literally a 5-second Google search.

It may just be my inner cat lady showing, but this is adorable. The images are really strong, and that definitely adds to the "D'aww" factor. I am now vividly picturing tiny wiggly week-old kittens and I am about to babble on about kittens even more someone please stop me.

Mintflower is a really great name. It makes sense and it fits the character and does everything a good name should do. Hopefully she'll get a bit more development in your rewrite than she did in the book itself, because in Bluestar's Prophecy proper she never developed beyond Generic Queen Personality. Which brings me to another point: great characterisation here. It's subtle and it doesn't smack you in the face, but you definitely get a good sense of the characters just from their interactions in a fluffy little scene.

I really can't wait for more of this! It's lovely. :3

[Lady Ten]

Sept 3, 2012 20:03:13 GMT -6 Cobalt said:

So you may have heard that I'm reading Bluestar's Prophecy. Why? I found The Bluestar Diaries. And they were awesome.

Cloud will be beside herself.

Long story short, I am essentially rewriting Bluestar's Prophecy, and I thought this would be a great place to ask for critique and ideas on how exactly to change it. Heck, this could even become some sort of site project. The point is, this seems like the right place to put it.

Well, fancy that. I'd been thinking about doing something along the same lines -- starting a community project where we all work together on rewriting Into the Wild, starting by completely retooling the plot and characters. Chronologically, Bluestar's Prophecy also makes sense as a good place to start. Anyway, I'd been holding off on suggesting it since the site was still so new and... well, I thought no one would be interested. You sure showed me, haha.

If you prefer, this can definitely remain your own project (I mean, I'm not trying to take this away from you), and members can offer their critique here on this thread or through pm, but sometime in the future I'd like to make a new board for a Warriors Rewrite, where everyone on the forum could work on creating an alternate, darker, more realistic version of one of the books.

Onto what you've written, I have a few questions about names. Have you thought about changing Swiftbreeze or Poppydawn? I have a theory how Swiftbreeze could still work, but the name politics on that are a little controversial, so to speak.

[leah]

This is an excellent idea, Cobalt! Although, Ten is right, you should change the other names as well. A lot of the names in this and Crookedstar's Promise make me cringe. And in pretty much all the later books.

Swiftbreeze: "Tabby and White she-cat with yellow eyes".
It doesn't say what color tabby, but I always figured she was a ginger tabby.

Poppydawn: "Long-haired, dark red she-cat with a bushy tail and amber eyes".

The biggest problem is the suffixes, although Swift- doesn't describe a tabby.

[Cobalt]

First of all, thanks so much for the feedback, guys. I'm in the process of writing the rest of chapter 1, so I'll totally keep this all in mind.

Sept 4, 2012 15:59:22 GMT -6 Lady Ten said:

If you prefer, this can definitely remain your own project (I mean, I'm not trying to take this away from you), and members can offer their critique here on this thread or through pm, but sometime in the future I'd like to make a new board for a Warriors Rewrite, where everyone on the forum could work on creating an alternate, darker, more realistic version of one of the books.

I've got things planned out only up until the end of Chapter 1, and then a bunch of ideas on characterizations stuffs. So however this goes is good. Not to mention the Warriors Rewrite idea is just great.

Sept 4, 2012 15:59:22 GMT -6 Lady Ten said:

Onto what you've written, I have a few questions about names. Have you thought about changing Swiftbreeze or Poppydawn? I have a theory how Swiftbreeze could still work, but the name politics on that are a little controversial, so to speak.

Sept 4, 2012 16:08:39 GMT -6 leah said:

This is an excellent idea, Cobalt! Although, Ten is right, you should change the other names as well. A lot of the names in this and Crookedstar's Promise make me cringe. And in pretty much all the later books.

Swiftbreeze: "Tabby and White she-cat with yellow eyes".
It doesn't say what color tabby, but I always figured she was a ginger tabby.

Poppydawn: "Long-haired, dark red she-cat with a bushy tail and amber eyes".

The biggest problem is the suffixes, although Swift- doesn't describe a tabby.

Yes, I was debating whether or not to change the names that weren't completely ludicrous. I'm thinking yes at this point. Suggestions are totally welcome, and if there's any kind of general consensus I'll definitely change them. As for cats who have traditional names that don't match their appearance, I was thinking of changing their appearance instead, to keep things less confusing. Also, for the names I already decided to change, I tried to keep them similar-sounding, also for clarity. (Mintflower for Moonflower, Mudfoot for Mumblefoot, Waspwhisker for Weedwhisker, etc.)

For Swiftbreeze: I remember thinking to perhaps change her to a very dark brown with fainter markings at some point, with a white belly if I remember correctly. -breeze still could or could not be changed, I suppose, so suggestions and feedback are definitely appreciated.

For Poppydawn: I remember looking at her name and just skipping right over it, because it just really annoys me. Character-wise, I'm leaning toward making her a gentle, patient, -cloud sort, so tell me what you think of that.

[Osprey]

I love the name Mintflower for Moonflower, never did care her original name, same with Sunfall's name, I hate the Moon-, Sun-, Star- prefixes along with sparklecats and Anime-Warriors. Blah, but I love your writing so far, I can't wait to read some more.

If I could I would rewrite the whole 'Omen of Stars' series, it was terrible, super-powered cats that fall in love and whiny she-cats, the half series was a terriable plot-filler and then at the 'last Hope' it was a let down. >.<

[leah]

Pff late reply.:

I think Poppycloud is a great name. As for Swiftbreeze, I was thinking you could give her a personality that is unlike what the Erin's idea of a queen is, like -claw, maybe. But it's your revision; it's up to you.

[Lady Ten]

I'm not a cloud supporter, but I just thought I'd point out that the claw suffix doesn't necessarily indicate any one personality. That said, emphasizing a queen's warrior skills for once would be pretty cool.

[leah]

When I said personality, I was actually thinking along the lines of -fang, but then I said -claw.
And yes, that's my point. It's hilarious when I go around with a -claw queen on rating boards and everybody for some reason thinks she's a tom. Then they freak out when I tell them she's a queen.

[Grey]

When I said personality, I was actually thinking along the lines of -fang

I think it's a really great idea to make a she-cat character outside of the usual "queen" personality/skill set, but I'd just like to add that -fang doesn't actually have a personality implication.

It's a skill suffix. All it represents is an above average ability in hunting and fighting (in ailuronymic traditionalism, anyway).

Many skill suffixes tend to also coincide with certain personality traits fairly often - such as aggression in -claw cats, social adeptness in -whisker cats - but these are nothing more than common coincidences. The suffix only implies the skills, not the other details.

[leah]

I was thinking about the "Charismatic and Authorative" bit, but okay.
I was still thinking of -fang when when I suggested Swiftclaw. Swiftfang sounds neat too, and yes, it'd be a good idea.

[cloudbat]

"Cloud will beside herself."

>w<

Swiftfang is a cool name.

Also, I say Goosefeather's prophecy should not be significant at all, and Blue Sue becomes leader through sheer hard work. Also, there should be an actual CONFLICT minus that she doesn't like Thistleclaw.

[Grey]

Swiftfang is a cool name.

Much better than Swiftbreeze, I think. Consider it endorsed, ehehehe.

Also, there should be an actual CONFLICT minus that she doesn't like Thistleclaw.

I'd like for Thistleclaw to have a bit more depth to him. As it is, he's only there as a thing for Blue- to get angsty about (for seemingly no reason). I'd like it if there was a bit of shifting there.

For example, maybe Thistle- and Blue- were actually good friends, not enemies. They grew up together, and Snow- came between them somewhat (which could explain the family tension there), and Thistle-, with grandiose notions of heroism and clan-betterment, becomes slowly consumed by his own ambition. Blue- realises that, despite having everyone's best intentions at heart, he is leading them down a dark path - and therefore, two best friends become two bitter rivals for the role of leader.

I think that would be a far better plotline than Bluestar's Prophecy as it is now.

If, somehow, Thistle- tricks and betrays Blue- in a very bad way and it has a serious consequence (or something along those lines), it could be a partial explanation for why Bluestar went off the deep end when she discovered Thistleclaw's betrayal. It brought back powerfully agonising memories for her.

After all, Thistleclaw was Tigerclaw's mentor, if I'm not mistaken.

[cloudbat]

You are correct, Grey. And I like that plotline better too.

[Cobalt]

A. Swiftfang is definitely happening. I'm in the process of going through all the alleigiances and giving the cats better names and much more personality.

B. I was honestly already thinking of that plotline, Grey. This must happen.