Post by Cobalt on Dec 12, 2012 15:44:48 GMT -6
Jumping on the bandwagon and doing a commentary-thing of Firestar's Quest. I was considering doing The Darkest Hour, but this one is just so ridiculous I couldn't resist.
So I have retreived the book from under my bed and just looking at the allegiances of modern SkyClan is paining me.
Let's do this.
Also note that I am sick and will therefore have minimal coherence.
Prologue
Wow, first sentence. I guess I can see this but c'mon, Erins, you can do better.
...on second thought, maybe you can't.
But really, "murmured"? What did "blew" to do you that makes you so keen on throwing it out even when it would be the better word choice? I could even kind of get it if "the leaves of four massive oak trees murmured as a faint breeze blew through them", but just please don't treat a sound like it's a movement.
Why hello, Greencat. Also, I felt the need to comment on the first three sentences of the book. This worries me and I regret choosing this book.
So Greencat hops up onto the giant rock, where three other cats are already sitting, and Greencat's name is apparently Redstar. So he's red and green. Christmasstar. And they talk a little bit more and then this happens:
Because surfaces can be harsh. Yeah, I think you mean "scraping his claws harshly". Also, that metaphor does not work well at all.
And I'm not even a page through oh dear.
So the shadowcat says they need to start the Gathering and another leader whose "creamy brown pelt held the frosty shimmer of starlight" says that some cats still haven't arrived. SkyClan arrives and the description is all a bit awkward but I remember the fifth clan being a pretty big surprise the first time I read it so at least there's that.
And more description about how many cats there are, not badly done. Cloudstar, the leader of SkyClan, has apparently brought the whole clan because the monsters came and destroyed their territory. So far not too bad, not excessively condemning humans.
Cloudstar asks for territory and the other leaders essentially say "but you can't fish or hunt rabbits or frogs and there's nowhere to make a camp." Um, they could learn? If kittypets could learn surely they could. And they can always split up and disperse into the other four clans if they really need to. Yeah, so this'll work fine-
Christmasstar and Swiftstar tell them to leave.For the sake of plot. Because StarClan didn't send freaking clouds. And once again, they can't fish or hunt rabbits or frogs or handle a few plants. Really?
And there's the argument that there are only four oaks, and they threaten to drive SkyClan out. Cloudstar says they can't win against all the other clans, and they are about to leave. Little scene about how Birdflight's kits can't make the journey and she is leaving for ThunderClan. Cloudstar doesn't trust StarClan, SkyClan leaves, and end scene.
Well, that got distinctly better after the first page and a half. Very suddenly. Reason #48 not to have four different people write a book.
And I beleive that is all. I myself don't want to touch this monstrosity for a long time, but chances are I'll get bored and do chapter 1 in a couple hours. Seeya then.
Cobalt out.
So I have retreived the book from under my bed and just looking at the allegiances of modern SkyClan is paining me.
Let's do this.
Also note that I am sick and will therefore have minimal coherence.
Prologue
The full moon floated in the sky, shedding its cold light over the forest.
Wow, first sentence. I guess I can see this but c'mon, Erins, you can do better.
A faint breeze murmured through the leaves of four massive oak trees; dappled light and shadows moved over the pelts of many cats as they slipped into the hollow below.
...on second thought, maybe you can't.
But really, "murmured"? What did "blew" to do you that makes you so keen on throwing it out even when it would be the better word choice? I could even kind of get it if "the leaves of four massive oak trees murmured as a faint breeze blew through them", but just please don't treat a sound like it's a movement.
A muscular, bracken-colored tomcat emerged from the bushes that lined the sides of the hollow.
Why hello, Greencat. Also, I felt the need to comment on the first three sentences of the book. This worries me and I regret choosing this book.
So Greencat hops up onto the giant rock, where three other cats are already sitting, and Greencat's name is apparently Redstar. So he's red and green. Christmasstar. And they talk a little bit more and then this happens:
Before Birchstar could reply, one of the other leaders interrupted, scraping his claws on the harsh surface of the rock. His gray-black pelt was a shadow in the moonlight.
Because surfaces can be harsh. Yeah, I think you mean "scraping his claws harshly". Also, that metaphor does not work well at all.
And I'm not even a page through oh dear.
So the shadowcat says they need to start the Gathering and another leader whose "creamy brown pelt held the frosty shimmer of starlight" says that some cats still haven't arrived. SkyClan arrives and the description is all a bit awkward but I remember the fifth clan being a pretty big surprise the first time I read it so at least there's that.
And more description about how many cats there are, not badly done. Cloudstar, the leader of SkyClan, has apparently brought the whole clan because the monsters came and destroyed their territory. So far not too bad, not excessively condemning humans.
Cloudstar asks for territory and the other leaders essentially say "but you can't fish or hunt rabbits or frogs and there's nowhere to make a camp." Um, they could learn? If kittypets could learn surely they could. And they can always split up and disperse into the other four clans if they really need to. Yeah, so this'll work fine-
Christmasstar and Swiftstar tell them to leave.
And there's the argument that there are only four oaks, and they threaten to drive SkyClan out. Cloudstar says they can't win against all the other clans, and they are about to leave. Little scene about how Birdflight's kits can't make the journey and she is leaving for ThunderClan. Cloudstar doesn't trust StarClan, SkyClan leaves, and end scene.
Well, that got distinctly better after the first page and a half. Very suddenly. Reason #48 not to have four different people write a book.
And I beleive that is all. I myself don't want to touch this monstrosity for a long time, but chances are I'll get bored and do chapter 1 in a couple hours. Seeya then.
Cobalt out.
