Post by mistytail on Nov 3, 2012 20:47:53 GMT -6
So I wanted to fit in with the local coolkids and grabbed the first Warriors book I could find and decided to do a snarky commentary on it. Prepare for a wild ride, guys, because this is the absolute goldmine of "crazy Bluestar" scenes. And so I present to you: I Am A Jerkwad To Erin Hunter As I Reread A Dangerous Path
The book's credit is "To the real Bramblepaw." I'm sort of scared as to how that happened. An explanation would have been nice there because I'm thinking one of the Erins owns a cat that had a murderous father and a sister than ran away. What.
So the prologue opens with the dog pack being kept in a moving van. Except they call it a "kennel-that-moves" and I'm confused as to how they know what a kennel is but apparently never heard the word "van" or "car." Especially since this happens:
So unlike our feline friends, who seem to only be able to understand the word "house" and their name if they're lucky enough to be raised as kittypets, dogs can understand bits of human speech. So how do they not know what the word for "van" or "car" is? But I'm nitpicking.
The pack leader smells wood which tells us they're at Treecutplace. ... Why the hell are you bringing dogs to a wood mill?? Also dogs can only count up to four because that's how many paws they have. Nice idea, how long after reading Watership Down did you come up with that?
Oh, wait, apparently the dogs are being brought to Treecutplace to... sniff out intruders and chase them out? Uh? Why does a wood mill need guard dogs? I admit I'm ignorant as to how wood mills work, but this just seems wholly unnecessary.
Most four-legged creatures can run but no one calls a beaver a crazed murderer. What does running have to do with killing?
Jesus Christ. I thought Erin's bias against -claw cats but holy crud, she's making it out to be that all dogs are murderers who kill for sport. Are you kidding me? Because they eat meat, they're crazed killers? By that same logic you could argue the exact same thing about the warrior cats. And honestly? Dogs can actually eat plants and berries and other non-meat items and be okay. Cats are strictly carnivores that can only eat meat to stay healthy. Dry food is one of the worst things for cats because they're not built to digest it. Dogs are. So honestly, if their diet is how you're making this argument, cats are more bloodthirsty than dogs. This makes no sense. What the hell.
If all he's doing is standing this is a weird adjective to use. Why not big, or large, or even heavy? Powerful is just... I don't know. It doesn't make sense there.
What dog headbutts a cage?? Wouldn't he try to gnaw at it, or pull on it with his paws? This makes no sense. Have you actually ever even seen a caged dog, specifically a cage-aggressive one like the one you're failing to write well?
So the pack barks to be let out and the human lets them out. They run around after the lead dog and not a single dog has given any indication that they have any individual identity.
Erin. Erin, listen to me. While it is true that dogs require a pack structure to remain psychologically stable (which your dogs are anything but), each dog has its own unique personality. They are many parts that make up a whole, yes, but they are whole and complete on their own as well. The only reason I can think of for you doing this is that you were just too lazy to make up brand new characters and instead wanted a walking plot device for bad things to happen to these cats. That is not cool. That is lazy as fudge writing.
So the lead dog sees he can get to the forest and tells the pack they'll be free soon. He smells his prey which is apparently cats. Um. Okay. Sure.
One page break later we find out the lead dog had been digging a hole for three nights and the pack was going to get out through this hole. How nobody noticed an entire pack sneaking through one hole in the fence, I have absolutely no idea. The people who take care of them must be awful at their jobs.
Oh, wait, we have canonical evidence they were terrible at their jobs. Nice freaking going, jerks.
So the prologue ends with the dogs getting free. And apparently their first thought is to kill everything.
Really, Erin Hunter? When I take my dogs out their first instinct is to pee on everything. Literally everything. Unless they think their pee is acid and is going to burn something that crawls under where it hits, I don't think you can really argue that "kill" is a dog's one and only instinct.
The book's credit is "To the real Bramblepaw." I'm sort of scared as to how that happened. An explanation would have been nice there because I'm thinking one of the Erins owns a cat that had a murderous father and a sister than ran away. What.
So the prologue opens with the dog pack being kept in a moving van. Except they call it a "kennel-that-moves" and I'm confused as to how they know what a kennel is but apparently never heard the word "van" or "car." Especially since this happens:
Outside, he [the pack leader] could hear Man voices. He understood some of the words. "Fire... keep watch... guard dogs."
So unlike our feline friends, who seem to only be able to understand the word "house" and their name if they're lucky enough to be raised as kittypets, dogs can understand bits of human speech. So how do they not know what the word for "van" or "car" is? But I'm nitpicking.
The pack leader smells wood which tells us they're at Treecutplace. ... Why the hell are you bringing dogs to a wood mill?? Also dogs can only count up to four because that's how many paws they have. Nice idea, how long after reading Watership Down did you come up with that?
Oh, wait, apparently the dogs are being brought to Treecutplace to... sniff out intruders and chase them out? Uh? Why does a wood mill need guard dogs? I admit I'm ignorant as to how wood mills work, but this just seems wholly unnecessary.
The pack was strong. They could run, and kill.
Most four-legged creatures can run but no one calls a beaver a crazed murderer. What does running have to do with killing?
They craved warm blood, and the terror-scent of prey before it died.
Jesus Christ. I thought Erin's bias against -claw cats but holy crud, she's making it out to be that all dogs are murderers who kill for sport. Are you kidding me? Because they eat meat, they're crazed killers? By that same logic you could argue the exact same thing about the warrior cats. And honestly? Dogs can actually eat plants and berries and other non-meat items and be okay. Cats are strictly carnivores that can only eat meat to stay healthy. Dry food is one of the worst things for cats because they're not built to digest it. Dogs are. So honestly, if their diet is how you're making this argument, cats are more bloodthirsty than dogs. This makes no sense. What the hell.
The dog rose to his powerful paws,
If all he's doing is standing this is a weird adjective to use. Why not big, or large, or even heavy? Powerful is just... I don't know. It doesn't make sense there.
rattling the doors as he butted them with his massive black and tan head
What dog headbutts a cage?? Wouldn't he try to gnaw at it, or pull on it with his paws? This makes no sense. Have you actually ever even seen a caged dog, specifically a cage-aggressive one like the one you're failing to write well?
So the pack barks to be let out and the human lets them out. They run around after the lead dog and not a single dog has given any indication that they have any individual identity.
Erin. Erin, listen to me. While it is true that dogs require a pack structure to remain psychologically stable (which your dogs are anything but), each dog has its own unique personality. They are many parts that make up a whole, yes, but they are whole and complete on their own as well. The only reason I can think of for you doing this is that you were just too lazy to make up brand new characters and instead wanted a walking plot device for bad things to happen to these cats. That is not cool. That is lazy as fudge writing.
So the lead dog sees he can get to the forest and tells the pack they'll be free soon. He smells his prey which is apparently cats. Um. Okay. Sure.
One page break later we find out the lead dog had been digging a hole for three nights and the pack was going to get out through this hole. How nobody noticed an entire pack sneaking through one hole in the fence, I have absolutely no idea. The people who take care of them must be awful at their jobs.
The pack leader stopped, ears pricked for the sound of the Man coming to check on them. But there was no sign of him, and his scent drifted from far away.
Oh, wait, we have canonical evidence they were terrible at their jobs. Nice freaking going, jerks.
So the prologue ends with the dogs getting free. And apparently their first thought is to kill everything.
The whole of the forest was theirs, and in their minds, there was a single instinct: "Kill! Kill!
Really, Erin Hunter? When I take my dogs out their first instinct is to pee on everything. Literally everything. Unless they think their pee is acid and is going to burn something that crawls under where it hits, I don't think you can really argue that "kill" is a dog's one and only instinct.
