Deciduous Woodland of Hidden Mysteries

[leah]

On a slightly-related side-note, I like Synonyms.

Welcome to my breakdown of Book 3 - Forest of Secrets. I chose to do this one simply because it has one of my favorite cover arts in the series.

And because there's a lot to poke around in this one.

In fact, I was stuck between this one, Starlight, and the one I'm reading at school: Dark River. However, the one I've chosen is slightly better than those two and I thought it wouldn't kill my brain nearly as much (can you believe I actually considered doing Firestar's Quest? That would've been a nightmare.)

Alright, so Deciduous Woodl- you know what, i'll just call it DWOHM. It shouldn't be that hard to remember.
Right?
...right?
......guys?

Uh, okay. So this was obviously inspired by the Bluestar Diaries as well as Midnight Abridged. I hope you enjoy.


Prologue

Before I start, I should note that I typed these up in Notepad first, so I used quotation marks to point out the quotes when placing it here. When you see double quotation marks, that's when somebody is actually talking. Okay, here we go.

"Cold gripped the forest, fields, and moorlands like an icy claw."

What imagery is this supposed to be giving? I mean, really? Cold gripped the forest? It freaking GRIPPED it? And... an icy claw? I was unaware that cats' claws were made of ice during the cold season.

"Snow covered everything, glittering faintly under a new moon."

Oh great, snow glitters now. And how does a moon- wait. A NEW Moon? Aren't New Moons the darkest phase of the Moon? Even if it could make things glitter, how could its darkest phase-

Too many thoughts. Moving on.

"Nothing broke the silence in the forest except for the occasional soft rush of snow sliding from the branches of trees and the faint rasping of dried weeds when the wind swept through them."

The forest isn't silent WHEN THERE'S NOISE.

Also, soft rush of snow... what? Sliding from the branches of trees, to where? Other branches? What does snow think it is, a flying squirrel?
So remember, snow can do two things:

1: It can glitter
2: It can fly

Also, I didn't know dried weeds had throats.
THEY CAN RASP, PEOPLE. WEEDS CAN RASP.

"Even the murmer of the river was stilled by the ice that stretched from bank to bank."

I kid you not, these last four quotes are from one freaking paragraph. The first paragraph. I'm already bored.

I mean, how is sound "Stilled"? Wouldn't "Silenced" be a better word?
This is just dragging. A third of a page in and I want to throw the book across the room and quit.

"There was a flicker of movement"

Flicker? Isn't that word related to light? So... there was.. a light of movement?

Carrying on...

"A large tomcat, his bracken-colored fur"

...Does Erin even think for just a few seconds?

Is she implying that this cat is colored green? Is she really?
Because, last time I checked, Bracken is a fern. Which is green.

"fluffed up against the cold"

So cold is a solid object now.
That's nice.

"He shook snow impatiently from his paws as he sank into the soft drifts with every step."

Well then there's no point in shaking it off your paws in the first place.
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO DRY LAND.

"In front of him, two tiny kits struggled forward with faint mews of distress."

Hey, you. Green kitty.
Why don't you pick one of them up and switch them out?
Unless their distress is because they are afraid of green cats?
I wouldn't know. This prologue is taking forever (4 pages to go...)

"They floundered in the powdery snow, the fur on their legs and belly matted into icy clumps"

I'd like to know how cats know what Powder is.

matted into ICY clumps? So their fur turned to ice? Is it really that cold? GREEN CAT. PICK THEM UP ALREADY.

"but every time they tried to stop, the tomcat nudged them on."

I guess picking kittens up with your mouth is more difficult than forcing them to walk.

"Stunted, leafless willow trees concealed the center of the island behind snow-covered boughs."

So I looked up what a bough was and it's the main branch of a tree.
So dead willow trees and concealed behind their own main branches?

I still don't know what imagery Erin is trying to make here.

"Almost there," the bracken-colored tom mewed encouragingly. "Follow me."

Hey, Erin.
We already know the cat is green. No need to repeat yourself.

Also, I should note that cats don't actually "meow" when they talk to each other. I don't know enough about cats to know what sounds they do make, but meowing is their way of getting the attention of humans.

Wait, the next part of this paragraph makes me believe Green Cat is a ninja or something along those lines.

"He slid down the bank into the narrow frozen pathway through the reeds and leaped onto the dry, crisp earth of the island."

Yeah.
Oh, it gets better. He didn't help the kits down. Yeah, what a great guy. Letting kittens do dangerous stuff all on their own.

"but the smaller one collapsed onto the ice and crouched their, mewing pitifully."

Wow, Green Cat. Wow.
Oh, I forgot to mention that cats also meowed to their mothers but only when they were kittens.

"After a moment's pause"

so Green Cat PAUSED before helping the kit?

Okay, something tells me this cat is a freaking jerk.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. /sarcasm

"The tomcat gave its ears a lick, roughly comforting the helpless scrap, and then picked it up by the scruff of the neck and carried it onto the island"

1: I don't like how Erin constantly calls kits "scraps". It's just horrible.
2: Scruff: The back of a person's or animal's neck. So, he picked the kit up by the scruff of the neck. So the back of the neck of the neck. Okay, Erin. That makes perfect sense.
3. HE FINALLY PICKED THE KITTEN UP.

"stretch of open ground broken by bushes"

Stay away from bushes, guys. They have the ultimate evil power to break even the earth.

"Snow covered the earth here, crisscrossed by the pawmarks of many cats."

I don't think the cats were purposely trying to create a crisscross pattern.
Unless they learned how to play Tic-Tac-Toe.

"but bright eyes gleamed from shelter"

LASAH EYES.

"The icy chill of the air"

Is "icy" really necessary here?
I think the readers have figured out that it's leaf-bare. They don't need you to describe how cold the chill is.

"and tried to scrabble its way into the nest."

I looked this word up, too, and I'm confused.
It's supposedly to scratch in search of something. Did Erin mean scramble?

""Oakheart? ... What have you got there?""

Ooooh, so the Green Cat is Oakheart?

...wait. I thought Oakheart was described as... oh, wait. He was always described as a freaking bracken-colored cat.

Oh, and I can answer your question, strange she-cat. You see, they're called "kits".

Oh and the next few paragraphs are just a conversation between the two about how Oakheart found them lost in the forest and is bringing dreaded memories of Bluestar's Prophecy back so I'd rather not.

""What cat would abandon her kits in the forest, especially weather like this?"
"Rogues, maybe, or Twolegs.""

WOWWW, ERIN. JUST WOW.

She tries so hard to make Humans look bad. Do any of you know anyone who'd be heartless enough to leave helpless kits in the middle of the forest?

Also... rogues? Rogue or not, mother cats are not only extremely protective of all their kittens, they are SCARY. A rogue mother would NOT leave her kits in the middle of forest in this freezing cold season.
Oakheart must've not thought this one through, because Graypool is clearly not an idiot.

"which was lying completely still except for the rapid rise and fall of its tiny ribs as it breathed."

1: That's not lying completely still.
2: Oakheart, get the freaking Medicine Cat right the freaking now.

"Graypool's eyes clouded with pain."

Since when does "clouded" describe anything about one's eyes?

"Their tiny mouths gaped pink as they mewed pitifully."

This is the second time that word has been used. Pitifully. In just one part of the book.

""Why would two kits be alone in the middle of leaf-bare? Their mother must be frantic.""

And the next few paragraphs makes it really clear that Graypool is smart and knows Oakheart is a liar.

"The bracken-colored tom prodded a piece of moss with one massive front paw."

Translation:
Green Cat is still a stupid kit who plays around with moss and has one paw bigger than the other three.

"Graypool's eyes flashed with anger."

Again with the laser eyes.

"a faint growl coming from the depths of his throat."

Uh so like his throat is a cave and a beast lives in the depths of it.

""Their mother is probably some rogue cat.""

Hey, Green Cat. We already went through this. None of us believe you.

"though Graypool could still make out the odors of the forest, of dead leaves and frostbitten earth."

So earth not only breaks around bushes but it can be frostbitten.
It must not be as powerful as we thought.

"And she stared unblinking"

Uh, Erin. Knock knock. Anyone there? Yeah, uh, when you stare, it means you're not blinking. WTH, Erin?

"unmistankably carried the scents of an enemy Clan!"

So Green Cat really didn't think this one through.

1: He forgot that Graypool isn't stupid
2: He forgot to hide the scents of the kits

+++++

So that raps it up for the prologue. My God that was tedious. And that was only a five-page PROLOGUE.

So, anyway, remember these things:

1: Snow can glitter and fly
2: The New Moon can make things brighter
3: Weeds can Rasp
4: Cold is a Solid Object
5: Oakheart is now Green Cat
6: Green Cat is not only a jerk but an idiot
7: Cats have laser eyes
8: Throats are caves with monsters in them
9: earth can break because of bushes and can get frostbite

Stay tuned for Chapter One!

[vbfdoee]

I feel kind of bad about making this post :\

"Cold gripped the forest, fields, and moorlands like an icy claw."

Ah, classic simile.

"Snow covered everything, glittering faintly under a new moon."

Ice crystals glitter, much like crystals of... anything, really. Glittering on a night with little moonlight is odd, though it does say "faintly"... (yeah, I'll grant you this one)

"Nothing broke the silence in the forest except for the occasional soft rush of snow sliding from the branches of trees and the faint rasping of dried weeds when the wind swept through them."

It doesn't say it was silent. It says it was silent except for the mentioned noises.
Snow slides off of tree branches (and isn't implied to be flying?). And rasp doesn't necessarily refer to a voice- it just means to make a grating sound.

"Even the murmer [sic] of the river was stilled by the ice that stretched from bank to bank."

"Still : to become motionless or silent" (emphasis mine)

"There was a flicker of movement"

Metaphor. When someone's heart flutters, the implication isn't that it's grown wings.

"A large tomcat, his bracken-colored fur fluffed up against the cold"

Live bracken is indeed green, but dead bracken is a light red-brown color. Though being compared to a dead plant is rather morbid :\. And cold isn't necessarily being implied to be solid. Against the cold, i.e. to keep from getting cold.

"He shook snow impatiently from his paws as he sank into the soft drifts with every step."

Eh, cats don't like getting stuff on their paws. Though one would think that a feral cat would get used to snow during the winter.

But yeah, Oakheart is being stupid, as characters in this series are wont to do. Couldn't Bluefur have told him "it's a long journey for young kits to make, how about you carry them"?

As for stunted, leafless willow trees, I don't know how that doesn't make sense? Their branches are concealing the island from view.

Cats pick up kittens by their scruffs. It's how they roll.



As for ground being broken, it's the openness being broken up. Though the sentence is worded kind of ambiguously.

But yeah, the rest of the stuff can just really be explained by metaphor and characters being stupid?

[celestialsquared]

You know, because of the "bracken-colored" thing, for years I thought bracken was some kind of brown branch.
It's things like that that makes Erin a bad role model.

[leah]

Snow slides off of tree branches (and isn't implied to be flying?). And rasp doesn't necessarily refer to a voice- it just means to make a grating sound.

I really don't like similies. Or metaphors. Or idioms. I hate English. Sadly I can't speak any other language so.

Oh, the flying thing was just a joke. It said "snow sliding from the branches" without actually saying the word "off". I said that because I don't see why Erin said "from" instead of "off".

Also, most of this was imagery, and the thing is, she was trying to write out the imagery but didn't really write it as I think she was trying to portray it. I don't know if this makes any sense but I don't see why imagery has to be highly complex.

As for stunted, leafless willow trees, I don't know how that doesn't make sense? Their branches are concealing the island from view.

Like I said, the imagery was written by Erin to mean these things but made wrote them so strangely that you can't tell what she's trying to say. It said "Stunted, leafless willow trees concealed the center of the island behind snow-covered boughs." it's so misleading, because it makes it sound like the island is behind dead willow trees which are behind more trees which is really confusing.

Metaphor. When someone's heart flutters, the implication isn't that it's grown wings.

You know, I wasn't just using Google. I was using other online dictionaries. And "To vibrate or beat rapidly" is a definition of flutter. As for flicker, I saw a lot of the definitions were related to light so yeah.
Like I said. I hate similies. And metaphors. And idioms.

Cats pick up kittens by their scruffs. It's how they roll.

Uh, I know they do. But it says "and then picked it up by the scruff of the neck". 'of the neck' is unneeded, because the scruff is the back of the neck. That's what I was saying.


Oh and don't feel bad, I appreciate it, it actually helps me to understand. "it's the openness being broken up", yeah I didn't realize that's what it meant. Not even if I looked at it for a few minutes, probably. But like you said, (and as I've said, I hate the Erins' wording) that it's so confusing.

[celestialsquared]

Nov 3, 2012 18:46:07 GMT -6 leah said:

Also, most of this was imagery, and the thing is, she was trying to write out the imagery but didn't really write it as I think she was trying to portray it. I don't know if this makes any sense but I don't see why imagery has to be highly complex.

I see what you can mean there. Sometimes I think Erins are trying to be too artistic with their writing, when in reality it just makes it confusing. That's especially the problem they have when describing action scenes; I know it's from a cat's point of view, but that doesn't mean it has to be in all cat language.
It's like they forget that humans are reading.

[leah]

Chapter One

The icy wind whirled snow

Icy Wind makes me think of Pokemon.
And whirling Snow makes me think of those weird Christmas Cartoons where the snow twirls around in sparkly circles before hitting the ground.

yeah i don't even know.

hunger clawed at his belly

Erin Hunter imagery.
Oh, you!

a glow of pride drove off the chill

I wonder how being proud can make you warm in the middle of a freaking snowstorm.

the rest of the paragraph is flashbacks so that people who were stupid enough to skip the first two books know what's going on.
i mean nothing wrong with that but Erin uses several paragraphs to do this and it's like Erin stahp.

all his misgivings about Tigerclaw flooded through him again.

oh you mean those misgivings from the first book where Tigerclaw automatically became the enemy by being "harsh" and "mean" towards the main character?

Nope it just talks about the darkness in his heart and I'm like what.
Because all he heard was that Tigerclaw MIGHT have killed Redtail.

So Fireheart and Graystripe are going to the Gathering
Woopodee-freaking-do. Those two NEVER go to-
oh wait.

do you think i would be disloyal to my own Clan?

Well you DID let Silverstream go at the final battle in Fire and Ice so yeah I do think so.
But heaven forbid that saving the forbidden love of your best friend be a bad thing.

besides, Tigerclaw had no right to acuse any cat of disloyalty.

Since when? Because of what Ravenpaw said? Are you saying that if a battle happened between Thunderclan and Shadowclan, and then a cat from Thunderclan turned around and fought FOR Shadowclan, and Tigerclaw saw it happen, that he had no right to acuse that cat of disloyalty just because of what he did?

Fireheart stahp.

in the blazing amber eyes

OMG
FIRE EYES
EVERYBODY RUN

he thought suddenly.

i'm too lazy to count the uses of this word in the prologue but i actually think it's zero otherwise i would have mentioned it.

So I'm bringing something new here: The "Suddenly" Counter!

Suddenly Counter: 1

no cat has the right to call me disloyal.

Yes, yes they do.

he shook himself

The awkwardness is strong with this one.

he murmured in his friend's gray ear.

NOOOO I THOUGHT HIS EAR WAS FREAKING /YELLOW/.

more paragraphs and talking about Fireheart's loyalty. Meh.

and now they're on their way to the Gathering. IMAGERYYYY

her beautiful black and silver coat rippling in the moonlight.

1: this makes me think of a silver cat with black patches.
I don't even know if that's possible.

2: Rippling? So would it be the wind doing this? Or is there wind? How is your fur rippling, Silverstream?

BACKSTORY ABOUT BROKENTAIL. YAY.

Fireheart suddenly realized

Suddenly Counter: 2

so the Gathering is starting. Let's see what happens.

Backstory about the last battle in Fire and Ice.

Bluestar announces that Dustpelt and Sandstorm are Warriors now. I forgot that happened in Fire and Ice. I should have remembered...

"There you are!" Graystripe called, his yellow eyes shining.

Remember kids, happiness makes the sparkle in your eyes sparkle.

and now Fireheart and Graystripe are off to see the wizard to see Ravenpaw.

that's it for Chapter One.

Suddenly Counter Total: 2

Stay tuned for Chapter Two!

[vbfdoee]

"Suddenly" is a perfect example of lazy writers who want to tell you to be surprised instead of surprising you. I'm happy for the introduction of the Suddenly Counter :3

[Lady Ten]

DWOHM sounds like the exact sort of thing to say while doing a fist pump. dwohm! chyesss.

Cold gripped the forest, fields, and moorlands like an icy claw.

eh, I can see it. That's the kind of faux-poetic shenanigans I sometimes get up to as well.

"Snow covered everything, glittering faintly under a new moon."

Oh great, snow glitters now. And how does a moon- wait. A NEW Moon? Aren't New Moons the darkest phase of the Moon? Even if it could make things glitter, how could its darkest phase-

Oh, wow, that's a good point. I was about to say, sure, snow could glitter... if there were any light.

Flicker? Isn't that word related to light?

It can be, but it can also just be anything that showed an irregular, quick movement.

Is she implying that this cat is colored green? Is she really?
Because, last time I checked, Bracken is a fern. Which is green.

That's quite misleading of you, Erin.

Oh man, this is the scene with Bluestar's kits again isn't it? curses curses curses.

1: That's not lying completely still.

Well, that's the reason for "except".

I wonder how being proud can make you warm in the middle of a freaking snowstorm.

I'll have to try that sometime.

the rest of the paragraph is flashbacks so that people who were stupid enough to skip the first two books know what's going on.
i mean nothing wrong with that but Erin uses several paragraphs to do this and it's like Erin stahp.

The Harry Potter books used to have some of those kinds of recaps now and then. I always wondered why authors would do that. It's like, if kids don't read the books in the right order, then that's how it goes, you don't need to account for them.

Dec 9, 2012 23:55:25 GMT -6 leah said:

1: this makes me think of a silver cat with black patches.
I don't even know if that's possible.

Possible, yes, but not... probable. Closest thing I can think of is mosaic albinos here, and that's a weird-rare mutation.

2: Rippling? So would it be the wind doing this? Or is there wind? How is your fur rippling, Silverstream?

It could ripple like long grass... if it were as long as long grass. Maybe short fur can ripple, but I'm having a hard time picturing it.

[leah]

It can be, but it can also just be anything that showed an irregular, quick movement.

Yeah, vbfdoee already called me out on this one. When finding defintions I'm not sure of I just type it into Google and it just said that Flicker was related to light so that was my own fault (or Google's for not mentioning movement, hehehe)

Well, that's the reason for "except".

I just find it strange to use "completely" and "except" in the same sentence.
I was also being a bit picky in the Prologue, hehe.

I'll have to try that sometime.

be sure to report back to me with your results.
I have to know this.

Possible, yes, but not... probable. Closest thing I can think of is mosaic albinos here, and that's a weird-rare mutation.

hm interesting, that's why i said i don't know if it's possible. I literally know nothing about cat genetics except for the obvious (they're not green, they don't grow wings, they don't sparkle, white cats with blue eyes are deaf, tortie toms are sterile...) which means i don't know much about mutations and stuff. But still... if that's what you think of with that, then why was Silverstream described as such?

Oh, Erin. Silly you.

[vbfdoee]

I think that by black and silver they mean that black = stripes, silver = ground color? It's a weird way to word it... (ellipse of understatement, away!)

[leah]

Chapter 2

The icy wind

OHMYGOD.
WE GET IT.
IT'S WINTER.
IT'S FREEZING.

The hard surface icy under his paws

Either this is meant to imply that it was slippery and difficult to walk on, or again Erin Hunter thinks we haven't figured out what Season it is yet.

He sniffed, drinking in the smell of hay

I don't know about you guys but I'd love to see somebody drink a smell.

Ravenpaw purred happily

Hey
Hey Erin
When cats purr, they are HAPPY

Fireheart spun around, flattening his ears, ready to fight if this newcomer was a threat.

As many times as Fireheart has talked with Barley, you'd think he'd have recognized both his scent and the sound of his voice by now.

More cats meowing to each other even though that doesn't happen.

the urgency of his mission prickling through his fur

....I'm sorry, what?

Fireheart felt sharp pangs of hunger grip his belly.

Again, I know what the Erins are trying to say, but this looks so weird in my brain.

Ravenpaw stared ahead of him, his eyes dark as he journeyed back in his mind

You know, the Hunters have used "Stared ahead of him" so many times and I'm still not sure what it's trying to show.

Also, I wasn't aware that thinking of memories darkened your eyes.

His voice shook as the memories flooded through his mind's eye

Unconsciously crouching down

No real commentary needed.

shying away from their searching questions

aren't all questions "searching"?
again with the unneeded words.

Random conversation about how the falling rocks killed Oakheart and it proves Tigerclaw is a liar blah blah blah blah.

They leave and then after a while Fireheart realizes that Riverclan would have looked at Oakheart's body and they could prove that he was not killed by Tigerclaw. Hooray, way to go, o clever Firesue.

Then the Windclan patrol with Deadfoot, Tornear and Runningpaw (who becomes Runningbrook, I believe, whose sudden disappearance at some point in time is quite a mystery).

They continue to Fourtrees and have no luck catching anything.
Oh gee I wonder what's going to happen.

Nothing. Not a single mouse, not even a whisker!

Why would you find loose whisk-never mind.

Limbs aching with weariness,

I think this Chapter has said about six times how their limbs are aching with weariness.

"Maybe you'd like to tell me where you've been?" he growled, "and why it took you so long to get back from the Gathering?"

Called it.

Oh, and way to go, Hunters, for going a WHOLE CHAPTER without using the word "Suddenly"!

Here, have a medal.

"YOU GOT A MEDAL!" /zelda treasure theme plays

[Grey]

I haven't commented here yet, because I honestly haven't thought of a way to say my piece without hurting your feelings to a potentially tremendous degree. But I guess you've struck one too many nerves with this newest entry.

Hey
Hey Erin
When cats purr, they are HAPPY

Hey.
Hey, Leah.
Cats also purr when they're terrified or intimidated.

So yeah. Check yourself.

Again, I know what the Erins are trying to say,

They're not trying to say it. They are saying it, and it's valid. I think the issue here is not their writing, for a change.

I don't know about you guys but I'd love to see somebody drink a smell.

Taking into consideration the intensity of smell for a cat as compared to that of a human, I would say that "drinking in a smell" works very much the way as "drinking in a sight", both of which are valid phrases.

No real commentary needed.

I disagree. Real commentary would be nice.

aren't all questions "searching"?
again with the unneeded words.

The word is not unnecessary. While it is true that most - if not all - questions are asked with the intention of getting information from the answer, the word "searching" has another meaning, and that is seeking information in a way that is thorough and meticulous.

So to ask a "searching question" would be the sort of thing that would happen in, let's say, an investigation. Which is precisely what was going on there.

[leah]

My goodness I'm reading through this and I feel stupid for some of the things I said. I kind of want to come back to this but I was thinking that I should do it in a complete redo rather than just continuing from where I left off. Especially since I want to use a different format for the critique, and make far more valid assessments of what I read (past and present tense, yeah Engrish). So, Grey, do your powers involve moving threads, possibly archiving this? That'd be wonderful.